I went through my boyfriend's phone and found out he's been talking to his ex-girlfriend, who he told me he hadn't been in contact with. He's calling her pet names like "babe" and "sweetheart" -- the same things he calls me -- reminiscing about their past sex life, and the phone log shows they've been talking a lot and they've met up at least once. Last Friday I was calling him and he didn't answer his phone. He told me he'd left it at home by accident, but his texts indicate he made plans to go to dinner with her. I want to confront him, but I don't want him to know how I found out. Help! --A.D. Often when you go looking for trouble, it's trouble that you find. You thought your boyfriend was up to something, and unsurprisingly, he is. You've found proof that he's been lying to you about being in contact with his ex and his whereabouts, and that he's been cheating on you.
What you call a meet-up is actually a date with his ex; call it what it is. The cute names he calls her and "remember when" conversations about their sex life indicate that either she's Girlfriend No. 2 or, at the very least, he intends to make her a bed buddy again, if she's not already.
I'm no fan of snooping, even though lots of people have done it. Thirty-three percent of dating couples and 37 percent of spouses -- slightly more women than men -- say they have checked their partner's email or call history, according to a 2011 survey by the electronics site Retrevo.
Among those under 25, almost half reported snooping. Of course, there are various other ways that people go about it, from combing through social networking accounts to adding spyware to computers or tracking devices to electronics, rummaging though drawers or pockets, and even driving by folks' houses to check if the lights are on or off, if their car is in the driveway or if anyone else's is parked nearby.
What all of those amateur private investigators didn't realize is that they could have saved themselves the trouble. By the time it gets to the point where you can't trust your partner, for whatever reason, your relationship is doomed.
Even if you snoop and your partner isn't up to anything, when you get caught, you're now the one violating the trust in the relationship. You'd have been better off talking with your partner about your concerns when you first had them. If you can't get the reassurance or resolution you need through communication, then it's better to walk away and find someone you actually can trust.
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